How and when to punish bad behavior is a constant problem for parents. The complications come up in selecting the appropriate punishment. Physical punishments such as spanking, hitting and slapping are quick and probably will have an immediate effect, but not a lasting one.
If you know exactly what bad behavior is when you see it and only have a vague idea of what good behavior you’re looking for, then, most of the time, you’ll find the bad. Parents following this strategy usually complain that they are always being forced to act like a policeman with no chance to “be nice.” This strategy makes you look bad, mad, and grumpy.
The next problem with physical punishment is that the children will imitate. From school violence in pre-teens to road rage in young adults, the violence can grow from an imitation of parents as much as the media. Mom and Dad are sending the message that punishment is a good way to deal with people.
The Washington Post recently announced on its front page that parents have begun using “digital grounding” as an alternative punishment. Taking away the cell phone or changing the password on the computer gets their child’s attention and perhaps his compliance as well.
Of course, we are trying to raise adults, here and your spouse would probably complain if you tried to limit his or her cell phone as punishment for coming home from work late. So using punishment on an adult, even “digital grounding,” is insulting—to an adult and to a child as well.
You expect me to belittle the problem, “The traffic must have been really bad. Let’s fix supper together.” We deal with the mistake together as a third thing, not you, not me, and we offer a chance to make amends.
Ignoring is also an adult strategy, but it has to be used carefully. If a parent plans to ignore the bad behavior, the usual amount of acting up will no longer get the attention the child seeks, and he may escalate the volume! Parents may revert to punishment at an equal volume, and then return to the ignoring rule only to go back to punishment when the volume again reaches pain threshold.
To make the ignoring plan work, you need to have the compliments ready when your child is successful. Considering all the possible mistakes a child can make, he won’t learn good behavior by just being told, “Wrong!”
When bad behavior can’t be ignored and opportunities for encouragement of good behavior are plentiful, try a time-out. Most parents are familiar with the drill of putting the child on a chair or in his/her room for a little cooling off and isolation. This can work well if the time-out is short so that threats, arguments, and other verbal decorations that often precede it can be kept to a minimum.
“Digital grounding” can have a useful place in family situations where a defiant teenager says, “You can’t make me.” Removing the cell phone or computer time is a power parents should not ignore.
The best parental strategy will include praising the good behavior, ignoring the tolerable, and reacting with logical, mild, and consistent reprimands to the bad.
